How Anxiety Changed my Life: Part 3

View from Ford Island Bridge. Photo by: John R. Cole
View from Ford Island Bridge. Photo by: John R. Cole

We arrived in Hawai`i on June 21st of 2011. After 11 long hours in the air flying from Boston to Chicago to Hawai`i, we were a bit worn and exhausted. As we stepped off the plane the energy and the atmosphere felt different. The energy felt more intense and concentrated. There was humidity in the air and the sky was filled with white and grey clouds. It was raining but it was more like a mist than a downpour.

There was a group of Coasties from John’s new office waiting for us. They were warm and welcoming and had flower leis in hand. I thought, “Finally we are in a place where we both could be happy!”

Our introduction to Hawai`i was the Navy Lodge on Ford Island. Ford Island is located in the center of Pearl Harbor. The USS Utah’s final resting place was just off the West side behind the our temporary home.

The USS Utah in Pearl Harbor, Hawai`i. Photo by: John R. Cole
The USS Utah in Pearl Harbor, Hawai`i. Photo by: John R. Cole

Milkbone and I spent many hours visiting with the Utah because we only had one vehicle. John started working the day after we arrived so we were stranded on the island with nowhere to go.

John spent his days on the 9th floor of the federal building in downtown Honolulu getting a handle on his new job. Milkbone and I spent our days walking around Ford Island and sneaking around the main area trying to get a solid Internet connection. The hotel did not allow pets in the common areas and the Internet in the hotel room was less than desirable. I would either have to sneak around the main area or leave Milkbone in the room in his cage.

I spent many hours looking for our new home. It was challenging to say the least. Considering we didn’t know O`ahu at all, we didn’t know what areas to look in. When they did house showings they would have one set time for all interested parties to show up. This was new to me.

After four stressful weeks of trying to find a place to live we found a home on Ala Napunani Street in Honolulu. Life was getting interesting. I was getting the house together, unpacking boxes and cleaning from top to bottom.

I was walking on sunshine until the tornado hit. No, I don’t mean a literal tornado but an internal one. I believe this happened because the energy is so intense on the Island when I unconsciously tapped into it I became overwhelmed. My anxiety evolved to a swirling, out of control feeling inside of me. I wanted to run but had nowhere to go. There was no comfort. I wanted to jump out of my skin. I was screaming for help inside but no one could hear me.

I went online looking for an acupuncturist. I had used them before and I knew that it was helpful. I came across this one website that looked nice and decided to make an appointment. Yes, I do choose practitioners on the quality of their website. More importantly, if I get a good feeling about what I see, more than likely they are right for me.

I began working with this amazing practitioner, Dr. Elliott, who really took the time to listen and build a treatment plan that would work best for me. I worked with her for two years and she gave me more peace of mind than I ever could have imagined. I would gladly recommend her to anyone who was in search of an amazing acupuncturist in Paradise.

During the time I saw my amazing acupuncturist, I was working for a day spa in Honolulu. I was excited to find a job in a place where I could do massage work and not feel like I was being taken advantage of.

Before that, I had worked at a spa in Waikiki that paid less than minimum wage and whose owner wanted me to work crazy hours. We were considered sub contractors and got a small percentage of what the owner was taking in. I knew I was worth more.

As I was seeking new employment, we moved to Hawai’i Kai. We decided to move because the area we lived in was so noisy it was disrupting our sleep. We found a sweet little home near Koko Crater. It was a quiet neighborhood occupied mostly by older folks. We had a quiet lanai in the back with a beautiful view of the extinct volcano. We were also in walking distance of Hanauma Bay and its snorkeling fun.

The view from the top of Koko Crater. Photo: John R. Cole
The view from the top of Koko Crater. Photo by: John R. Cole

Puppy and I spent many hours at Koko Crater Park. I would let him loose to run around the baseball fields. I soon learned that they held classes at the park so I signed up for a Tai Chi class. Every Tuesday at 10:00 I would walk to the park and practice Chi Gong and Thai Chi. I loved it!

As we were settling into our new home on Kaumakani St., I searched for new employment. I found a promising spa in the Pan Am building downtown on Kapiolani Blvd. I set up an appointment to meet with the owner. I was excited she hired me!

The day spa started out great but that didn’t last. Once day I was working on a client – a woman – when I started to feel this intense energy running through my body. It was so intense that I started to physically shake. I couldn’t stop shaking and I couldn’t finish the massage. I had to leave the room. I remember the women looking at me and kind of laughing. Another therapist went in to finish her massage and claimed she felt the women’s energy was not right.

I had a complete meltdown. I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t function. There were other times I stepped into the spa space and I didn’t feel right. I would get nervous and shaky and sometimes would huddle in a corner till it passed. I thought the other therapist would understand what I was going through. That was not the case. Instead I was fired. The owner said if I was affecting her other therapist in a negative way then what was I doing to her clients? She didn’t understand that it was her clients who were affecting me. That was the last day I worked for that spa.

This was around the time my acupuncturist introduced me to Lotus Lantern Healing Arts. It was about three years ago when I started working with Liliana, the owner. This was another turning point in my life. When I started working with her I was like an exposed nerve. God Bless Liliana! She patiently listened to me sobbing on the phone while I told her about my intense life.

I don’t know how she understood anything I said.

During our first session, she revealed to me I was an empath and psychic. I thought to myself, “OK empath I get. But psychic?” She stayed by my side and allowed me to reach out to her when I needed to. She was my life line. I couldn’t see any light at the end of this turmoil but Lillian assured me there was a place I could get to and have a quality of life.

After many months of having private sessions with Liliana, I started attending her on-line classes. I started with the A – Alignment class, intended to help me keep grounded. The second was B – Boundaries, a class designed to protect myself from outside energy from other people and energy that exists in the world. The third was C – Clairvoyance where I learned to read the energy of other people and help them move out stagnant Qi (Qi, in traditional Chinese culture, is a living thing’s energy).

Movers packing our stuff.  Photo by: John R. Cole
Movers packing our stuff. Photo by: John R. Cole

Time went very fast and before I knew it, we were packing up for another military move – this time to Northern California. Once we settled, I signed up for Liliana’s Defense Against the Dark Arts class. I do so with some trepidation since I had some fear about facing negative energy and the tools I needed to learn. I signed up anyway and faced my fears. During the class, I learned to read negative energy and clear it from myself and others (including pets!). See http://www.lotuslantern.org for more information.

Today I continue to try and maintain control of my life. I created Reflections Intuitive Healing to help share my story so, others like me do not feel so alone. In one fell swoop I created a logo with the assistance of my wonderful husband John. I created an email address, blog and ordered business cards. It was exciting and stressful at the same time. Taking the leap into using my gifts to help others. It was scary but I forged ahead anyway with the encouragement of my husband.

I am using this blog to help others through my experiences. I hope, at the very least, I am able to help one person. I certainly hope to help more than just one but I can’t expect everyone to relate to what I have experienced.

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